When you fall in love with a person, the last thing you think about is power in a relationship. You feel butterflies in the stomach and look at the world through pink-colored glasses. The whole life together is ahead, and it should be necessarily happy. You want to see your beloved woman happy, so you rush to fulfill her whims and do everything she wants. You may notice that she becomes upset whenever you make a decision without consulting her or when you do something the way you want. This situation makes you feel guilty, so you give in to her, losing power and control in relationships step by step. You try to comfort yourself, saying that everything is perfectly fine, and there is nothing to worry about. However, is it really so? Who should be in charge of your couple? You? She? Both? A relationship is a two-way road, even when it is about women online. And it’s definitely not the BDSM session with dominant and submissive partners.
Both Partners Should Have Power in a Relationship
If you have been in relationships for a long time, you might have noticed that it doesn't matter at such a moment who exactly is right in a conflict if you do not agree with your partner. When emotions run high, lovers feel that they are right. Period. And at that very moment, they can simultaneously get offended.
In a love relationship, the struggle for power is not at all for the front seat of the aircraft. In fact, both want to prove their value and significance, while conflicts and grievances are just a way to patch holes in a wounded ego. When partners play a zero-sum game, they pretend that disputes, ridicule, depreciation, "admonition" and confrontation can make up for the negative impression of each other. But in reality, all this only exacerbates the situation. Both feel betrayed, unloved due to a lack of empathy from the other.
And the following ways of emotional interaction aggravate the situation.
The first one is reciprocity. If you turn to a person with a positive emotion (interest, pleasure, compassion, kindness, sympathy), in about 70% of cases, you will receive positive emotions in response. And in the last 30 unsuccessful percentages, everything is beyond your control since the physical discomfort of a person, their anxiety, or negative prejudices, etc. usually prevail.
The second one is the negative reactivity. Turning to a person with negative emotion, in about 100% of cases, you will receive a negative response. Negative emotions are contagious and are always a priority for the brain, especially when you are dealing with clinginess. That is why a zero-sum game in a love relationship never ends positively. And finally, condemning emotions (anger, resentment, neglect) are experienced inside quite different from what they look like on the outside. Inside, it seems to you that you have been treated wrong and offended, and the partner sees that you are behaving with them disrespectfully. The most effective way to get rid of the struggle for power in a relationship is to work on yourself and stop looking for your importance in the eyes of another person.
You should realize that you are valuable as a person, regardless of whether you get everything you are looking for in a relationship or not. The key values do not depend on the validation of other people. And a sense of self-worth should be supported by your humanistic values (compassion, kindness, loving behavior) and reinforced by the attempts to improve, find contact, value, protect.
The foundation of a strong love relationship is not in the distribution of the roles of the “dominant” and “submissive,” but in the creation of a safe space where you love, support, recognize each other's values, show interest, and care. It is the only way to smooth out the negative impressions of partners from each other. So, both partners should have power in the relationship and do everything together to deal with the issues that occurred.
What Happens When You Lose Power and Control in Relationships?
“A man should always be the leader in a relationship and family” is a phrase that no one was going to challenge for a long time. However, its majesty feminism spread around the world, and many women liked the idea of universal equality. Unfortunately, they seek to bring this equality to all spheres of life, and not just to the working environment or some legal relations. And now we have many families in which power is concentrated in female hands while men become henpecked. It’s not even about female-led relationships, but it is about cases when a man has lost power and control and become a beaten down shell of a man. So, where does it lead?
1. You lose your worth in the eyes of the woman
Do you know the first rule of domination in relationships? A dominant partner makes themselves superior to the other one and can leave this relationship first. When you lose power, your woman automatically takes the reins and starts treating herself as a more significant partner in your couple. She is not that amazing and meaningful person, but she considers herself to be one. And a partner who puts themselves above the other is ready to break up the relationship for the sake of their interests and whims. It turns out that when you lose power, you subconsciously put your relationship first, diminishing your importance. Thus, a woman can easily start arguing and put her decisions first. A woman doesn’t need this power by her nature, so when she gets it, over time, she loses her respect for the man, experiencing aversion and compassion. Thus, when you don’t know how to gain power in a relationship with your woman, you take the first step towards a breakup.
2. You become trapped and lose your self-confidence
A more self-sufficient partner gets control in relationships. A self-sufficient partner is one who is independent of relationships because they perceive it only as a part of life, and there are other equivalent sources for receiving emotions. Therefore, even if a person breaks up relationships, they can find a bunch of other sources of joy that will help them survive the loss of the relationship. Self-sufficient people are freer than those for whom relationships are a very significant part. Because the latter ones perceive it practically as the only source of emotions, and life becomes meaningless without the partner. These people move from one addiction to another, suffering greatly. So, when you don’t know how to be in control in a relationship, then one day, you will find yourself trapped.
3. You will become co-dependent
A partner who loses power and control in the union becomes co-dependent over time. You start investing more in relationships, and thus, they become more important and necessary for you. After all, you have invested a lot of energy in them, and people always appreciate what it is difficult for them to get, and practically do not appreciate what they get easily. And this means that a woman who gets everything she wants at the speed of light, automatically begins to value the efforts of her partner less and, since she has not invested anything, she becomes more significant and dominant. If you do a lot for relationships, putting yourself out there and diminishing your desires, then you lower your significance, but greatly increases the significance of relationships for yourself. Thus, it is extremely important to know how to take control in a relationship.
How to Take Control of a Relationship
A man has been acting as a getter and protector, and a woman has been the hearth keeper since time immemorial. Even though now you do not need to hunt mammoths, a man seeks to earn money and provides his family. Every man wants to be a leader, and a woman wants to see a strong man next to her. If the situation does not match this life scenario, and a woman becomes a dominant partner, she loses her femininity while performing men's duties because such a way of life is abnormal for her. And vice versa, a man who does not know how to take control of relationships and meet challenges can lose the respect of his woman and get depressed over time. Therefore, a relationship where a strong man is decisive and powerful is strong. Anyway, it is never too late to rethink the situation, find out how to get the power back in a relationship, and change everything for the better. Just take the following steps to regain power in a relationship and create a healthy and happy union.
1. Work on your self-esteem
Do you know how to take control of your relationship? You will not be able to do anything without healthy self-esteem. To become a leader, you should work on yourself to become self-confident and realize your self-worth. The fact that you belong to the male gender doesn’t make you a true man and a leader. The latter has a strong position that can be achieved only thanks to increased self-esteem. If you doubt yourself and suffer from numerous complexes, you will hardly be able to impress anyone and defend your right to have your opinion. Only a strong man can take on the role of the leader in the family and life. You should respect yourself and stop doing everything you don’t like for one reason or another, especially if it contradicts your values. Convince yourself and your woman that you are a man, and she will be safe with you no matter what. This position will be visible in your image and actions. It will help achieve much in other areas of your life.
2. Become self-sufficient
What does it mean? It means that you should become completely independent of everything. You should be able to earn a living and provide for the family, purchase your apartment, and go on vacation when you want. Besides, it will be useful to learn how to do household chores, for example, to turn on a washing machine, cook some basic dishes, and use a vacuum cleaner when necessary. It doesn’t mean that you will do all these things, but you should know how to do it. You must not depend on anyone, especially a woman. You should leave her without a chance to tell you that you cannot do something on your own and that you will not do without her help. She should know and feel that you can cope with everything if necessary.
3. Make decisions
How to regain control in a relationship? She must listen to your word. And you should learn how to decide on something instead of shifting this responsibility to your woman. You can consult her if necessary, for example, if she is better at something, but it should be you who makes the final decision. Besides, don’t forget that you should be responsible for the consequences of your decision as well. Behaving this way, you demonstrate a strong masculine position, and any girl will appreciate it because she will know that you can meet any challenge. You should be a reliable partner. If the decision results in something unpleasant, you will have to fix it. If you can withstand such situations with dignity and calmness, instead of blaming your girlfriend for the wrong advice, you will know how to take back your power in a relationship.
4. Start small
You may not attach importance to some little things, but if the girl offers you to choose a movie for the evening or order a pizza to your liking, you shouldn’t start whining that it’s too hard to decide, and she should do it herself. Such things are of crucial importance especially at the initial stages of relationships.
Each time when you shift responsibility for every single trifle and give the initiative to her, you lose a bit of your masculinity in her eyes. Each time, she will more boldly take the initiative. One day it will go over to global decisions, which means that she can start playing your role. It will mean that she’s the leader. Besides, if you agree to her proposals that you don’t like, discontent will be visible in your behavior, and such a position will not add scores to your image in the eyes of your girlfriend. Discomfort from the fact that you are not doing what you want will affect you and will become clear. And she may lose interest in you one day.
5. Suppress her manipulations
Why do women do this? There are two options. First, she may check you for weakness. She does this not to control you, but to make sure her choice is correct. If you prefer not to demonstrate your masculinity, you make a big mistake. Every woman wants to be with a strong man and not a couch potato who isn’t interested in anything. The latter cannot become a good husband material. Another possible option is that she is a manipulator. Perhaps she is used to behaving like that with other dudes. Or you have failed her check, and she doesn’t mind building a female-led relationship. A wise woman will play the role of a neck while you are a head. She will obey you in small things and guide you when making important decisions. How to get your power back in a relationship? Demonstrate to her that you are a man.
6. Be purposeful
It is one of the crucial qualities of a confident man. It will help you in all spheres of life, and intimate relationships are no exception. You should set goals and do your best to achieve everything you want. Do not stop even if you fail several times in a row. It is the only way to achieve success. A girl should not feel uncertainty near you. When it comes to relationships, she must clearly understand where everything is moving. Make plans, talk with her about the future since this will allow her to be confident, and feel calm next to you. Otherwise, she will begin to set goals and move towards them without you.
7. Do not keep silent about your emotions
A healthy relationship is about fruitful communication and comfort. You shouldn’t ignore your feelings or agree with a woman in everything just because she will make a tantrum if you don’t do that. Both of you should respect each other’s positions and views. You should learn to hear each other and share your emotions. If you constantly keep silent about your inner state, you will subconsciously try to avoid situations in which you can experience these feelings. And it will not lead to anything good.
Control and Power Don't Mean Abuse
To get out of this struggle, partners should recognize and accept all aspects of their desires and fears about control and submission. If you manage to achieve a balance in this matter, then it will not be difficult to agree to certain control or, if necessary, take power into your own hands, change roles depending on the circumstances, without experiencing anxiety, anger, or helplessness. You should understand that it has nothing to do with toxic behavior, abuse, or jealousy. The ability to cooperate and the opportunity to discuss areas of control, considering the abilities and interests of everyone plays the main role here.
For example, you make money, your girlfriend does household chores, but both of you are responsible for raising children. If something changes in life, the couple should be flexible and agree to distribute responsibilities differently. Ideally, such agreements may vary depending on situations. The main thing here is mutual agreement, understanding, the ability to see in different ways, to be able to listen and hear, to discuss and accept power and control, or to give it to a partner.