This piece I found just recently when clearing the rubble in the garage. To recall it, that last date mentioned was followed by another laconic verbal sparring, a series of which eventually led to the beginning of our official divorce process (assets, liabilities, income, expenses, etc.). That misery I felt reading it has been pursuing me until now. I almost have forgotten her facial features, though. However, it’s not that simple, given the flamboyant looks. Those days are gone, washing away my sorrows and blurring my grievances. An immaculate dream that never comes true. Did she love me? I never had doubts about that, and I still don’t. It’s probably my inborn rigidity that constrains me, building fences around my pathetic self. No affection, even to people you care about, cannot last for ages. A hard heart longs for solitude. Nothing but these memoirs that helped me find peace of mind.

6/15/’08

Home alone. Again. Over and over and over… ain't it funny? Am I just a fuckable fancy doll? It’s so convenient, for Pete’s sake. Well, the story of my life. I’m too stupid to get a job. Ginger means it when she calls him a snag. But is it his fault? Chores never divided, I know where I belong. But I feel empty inside, like a bubble going up in the sky, flying solo as usual. What a short path from “you're my everything” to just nothing. That's crucifying me.

6/22/’08

Today, I got a strange phone number glamorizing dust on the rear windshield for the second time. The number is different now. This I remember well. First, I thought it was a butcher's boy, Andy. His stupid pranks of a kind that had driven me insane have come to naught since he met Sally. Besides, he was just sixteen back then. Burning with curiosity, I wrote it down in my notebook instead of wiping it off. And I dialed it right there at the gas station. It was Sammy's. Weirdly, a guy with whom we attended the math class. We never dated or anything alike, nor did he have a crush on me. But his tone was quite intrusive and persuasive, so I just hung up. It’s the second time he's been intruding during a month, I believe the first message was his doing.

6/23/’08

8 a.m. My beloved husband is already gone. I couldn't sleep a wink. Sammy's voice didn't get out of my head. I thought I had nothing to lose if I saw him. Besides, nobody cares about what I feel and what I do. Hell, I’m going to call him again.

2 p.m. Agreed to meet in the back parking lot behind his office building. Funny, but I recognized him; he was so cute, and I couldn’t help but hug him. I was just small talk like “you never changed,” and so on. Then he said he'd better be going back to work and suggested we meet Friday night or any time convenient. I hugged him goodbye and felt my body move in for a kiss. Amazingly, I couldn’t stop it.

6/28/’08

We began texting after our first date and seeing each other much more. Lyfo's, pizzeria in the mall, Cedar Park by the town hall. Today, we drove into his house just a block away from downtown. Without hesitation, I'd give myself to him, but nothing happened. I’m still so happy today and can’t stop smiling.

6/30/’08

My husband was called off from work. All the morning hours were spent sitting in the darkness of our tiny living room. Saying no word, just sipping coffee. He's usually on the phone 24/7 when he works from home. He then told me his dad would stay with us for a few days. I can’t stand the old man, nor is he very flattered to see me. My father-in-law is a douchebag. Besides, he's the boss and always hurts many people. What's even worse is that he's got no respect for women. That's what I hate about them both, the way they think it's their right to treat a woman they do. Gosh, they're worth one another and the life they live.

7/18/’08

To this day, I’ve been extremely hesitant about sharing all that happened to me almost three weeks ago through paper and ink. 

For better or worse, it’s never caused disgrace deep in my heart. But again, in no universe, I've ever thought of cheating on my husband. I believe he hasn’t, either. Three weeks have passed, but I still don’t feel even a hint of guilt or anxiety. Although, whenever my memories bring me back to the scene, I fall into silent hysterics. That's why I'm writing it down. 

Recollecting events, I'm still feeling horny. I think my panties are wet, and my nipples swell any time I remember how Sam is different from my husband. Sammy and I couldn’t hide that sexual tension between us any longer. It was Sammy's birthday. We decided to celebrate it at his home. We had time until 6 p.m. when I had to rush back home to the other side of the town. 

I'm lying barely naked on Sammy's bed; my eyes are shut. He's gently getting rid of my pinky panties and starts pulling my clit with his finger. He’s kissing my stomach and below the waistline. I'm trembling from tip to toe. A delicious languor is stealing over me. It didn’t take long until I felt that impulse inside. He was thrusting me like I believe he’d never done to any woman before. Gosh, he's got a really gigantic shaft with a huge purple tip.

Those days I'd been grateful for my hubby are long gone. It wasn’t even his size but the entire process, quick and sort of detached. Always the same missionary position, slow moves, but at the same time, always in a hurry to get somewhere God knows where. 

It's been entirely different with Sam. It was never a routine like you know what the odds are. No lustful glances, no hints. Just instincts without a word. Sam never was flirting with me, no, because I didn’t want to and wasn't used to it. I’ve never been used to massage or even simple caressing. I once thought I'd never closed my eyes with my husband, just as I had to keep him under control. I know it sounds stupid, but this is how it works. 

Sam grabbed me by the hair and started going deeper, but now from the back. That was the first time I was taken from behind. I was on the edge and just moaned and then murmured something stupid.  Suddenly, Sammy pulled his dick out and came on my back. I didn’t know what to do but didn’t care — I had already come for the second time. It was a more substantial and much longer culmination than the previous one. It may sound dry only because I lack proper words to describe everything. 

Then, after a few minutes, Sam laid on his back and asked me to ride him like a horse, or I’d rather say — a stud. I chuckled and closed my eyes; I felt only pleasure that seemed everlasting. A few minutes later, I came again, so powerfully that I passed out for a moment. My pussy was burning. That’s about it.  What’s done is done. No regrets now.