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Independence is the key facet of every healthy relationship. As marriage counselors say, two adjusted gears make a working mechanism. Sometimes we tend to perceive love as the maximum dependence on our significant other, because the more time we spend together, the stronger the bond is. But is it true? According to, being independent gives rich soil for your relationship to thrive in. Without it, your couple will be unable to grow and develop. Paradoxically, couples who fail to show independence can’t even properly depend on each other. The more one person integrates into the other, the fewer topics for discussion they have, and the more quarrels they start.

what does it mean to be independent

What it means to be independent in a relationship

What does it mean to be independent in a couple? How does the ability to disassociate yourself from the couple’s image manifest itself?

1. You don’t freak out when the partner can’t come

Dependent couples gasp for air when critical situations call for desperate measures. Once the better half is absent, the dependent member of a couple gets hysterical, being unable to handle problematic situations by themselves.

2. You know how to make tough decisions

Independent women in relationships don’t need a counselor to ask for advice. They know how to react quickly and manage the situation without help. The same works for men. That’s why when you date a divorced woman, she can appear too independent. These women know how to make the decision alone and not regret it. When the time is limited, there is no need to seek a helping hand.

3. You don’t get jealous for no reason

Independent people in relationships don’t have mental breakdowns when their partner greets a co-worker. They don’t check direct messages, spy on their SO, or blackmail a suspect. Why? Because even knowing about potential cheating, independent people will do just fine without an infidel partner.

4. You have a satisfying quality of life

Being independent in a relationship means having your own coin and another apartment to go to after an unexpected fight. Independent people will never beg for allowance, forgiveness, or expect someone to provide them financially. Consequently, they lead a healthier and more comfortable lifestyle.

Main reasons to seek independence in a relationship

If you decide to meet a girl now, ask her what her point on independence in a relationship is. Being dependent is okay as long as both partners don’t cause any harm to each other and mutually respect each other. However, there are undeniable proofs as to why it is important to maintain independence. No one wants to depend on their partner and be in a risky position. There are more examples of healthy relationships, and all of them involve maturity, respect, and independence. Why?

Here is a list of reasons why it is better to have your own lawn when it comes to a fruitful relationship.

how to be independent in a relationship

1. You have more self-respect

Independent people know their worth. If things don’t work out, they thank a partner and move on. No one has to pursue, chase, or justify their actions. It all comes down to self-respect. Once you build a core and start following your path, no one can move you and wither away from your goals and dreams. Self-respect guarantees you a tranquil life. It is far more pricey than money or status. Respect and love for yourself is a gift no one can take away.

2. You are never a beggar, always a chooser

“Beggars can’t be choosers,” they say. But if you don’t put yourself in uncomfortable positions, people can’t offer you risky decisions. They are unable to put you down and talk down. Choosers always have a privilege to leave at any time, without any hesitation or regrets. An independent person will never start to hate their partner because they are too weak to fight back. Choosers are in love sincerely because, among all of those people, they decided to stay with that individual.

3. You don’t form unhealthy patterns

Codependency is by far the biggest problem of modern couples. Unable to separate from each other, they develop unhealthy habits that lead to the decline of mental health. Independentrelationships don’t have a place for toxicity. Dependent partners tend to idolize each other and expect something no one can give – respect and endless spare time.

4. You are fine with doing alone time

Independent people have lots of talents and friends aside from marriage or relationship. By getting independence, you will never feel bored, betrayed, or left out of the picture. You are your own best interlocutor, DJ, bartender, and therapist. When you are alone, meeting your significant other ceases to become a goal, rather a pleasant addition. The more time you spend on your own, the more exciting your date will be. Consequently, your current partner will never be bored, because you always stay at a deficit in some way.

5. You have broad horizons ahead of you

As said before, independent people have a designated path they rarely want to lose. Because of your self-sufficiency, your partner is a tasty dessert to your delicious four-course meal, not the meal of itself. You will never starve without your partner emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. The world is your oyster.

6. You build a strong character

Independent people often become SEOs because they are unable to accept what fate brings. By fighting for success and prosperity, you will rarely end up living the life you don’t like. Not a single person can influence your decisions, and that is right. A strong character attracts more people. Even if you are not interested in luring the opposite sex, at least someone aside from your partner, use that opportunity to establish yourself as an exciting and fascinating person who turns heads.

7. You don’t get suspicious

Because independence is your best facet, nothing in life can bring you disturbance. If your partner is into wishy-washy things, it is only their fault they’ll lose you. But once you stay self-sufficient, sudden splashes of jealousy don’t bother you. No daily checkups, no need to escort your date out of jealousy, not of pure interest.

How to gain independence in a relationship?

How to remain independent in a relationship if you have a problem with communicating your needs to the partner? How to be more independent in a relationship if you are married with kids? How to be emotionally independent if your partner provokes you to depend on them?

1. Define dependence

What is “dependent” for you? Will you be fine to depend on emotionally or financially? Relationships often presuppose some kind of dependence. So what are you ready to sacrifice for the sake of a happy marriage?

2. Understand what your secondary gain is

What do you gain from being dependent on your partner? Do you get more compassion, more free time, or the ability to lend your direct obligations to someone else? It may seem harsh, but we all have to benefit from our dependence. Once you realize what makes you dependent, you will understand how ridiculous it is to have that belief.

3. Imagine what will happen if you would be left off without

your partner

What will be the immediate reaction after you realize that your partner cannot sustain your needs anymore? Let’s say they are not available. Will you die because of helplessness and hopelessness? That’s unlikely. Imagine what you would do without your partner. Avoid catastrophization.

how to be more independent in a relationship

4. Imagine what you would do now as a single person

If you had a lottery ticket with a 100% chance to win, would you use it? Understand that life always provides chances to win that lottery, so every day is the occasion to pull out the ticket, and spend that money on yourself. If you want to visit the country of your dream, why do you need confirmation from another person?

5. Find your ground

To be more independent, make more friends. Go to the exhibition you always wanted to visit. Live every day as if you were single for your whole life. Stop checking someone’s messages. Try to focus on yourself. Find a cool hobby that will make you more involved than your family dinner. Go out to do business. Be elusive, and your partner will want you even more.

6. Find a group of soulmates

It is never healthy to concentrate all the attention on one person. Once you find a group of friends who share your interests, you will realize that relationships are meaningful but not the absolute thing in your life. Once you start going out with family, friends, or just chat with penpals, your everyday routine will be drastically fresher, full of new emotions and conversations.

7. Spend time in separation

From the start, such a practice will bring you anxiety. What does my partner do away from me? Are they having fun? Without that step, you will never know how to be independent in a relationship. The key thing is not the separation itself. It must make you feel natural and somewhat relieved at times. You should feel as comfortable alone as you are with your partner. Get used to spending time alone, go on trips, promenading around the city, meditating and thinking over your plans.

8. Put down your phone

If you have a nasty habit of checking your messages, stop doing that immediately. Surprisingly, checking your feed twice a day will not only lower the level of anxiety. It will make you more independent by relying on yourself. You don’t need compliments and constant confirmation to feel great. Sometimes checking your phone is compulsive, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you are a dependent partner. But know that you will be just fine without a single text from the SO.

9. Rarely ask for advice

How to maintain independence in a relationship? Do your own thing! Go to places you always wanted, buy the fabric YOU think is suitable for your complexion, order dessert that will make you feel good. Try to rely on your perception and immediate reaction. Trace how each action makes you feel. Try to hold down that feeling, and the next time you automatically want to ask for advice, stop and ask yourself how it makes YOU feel.

10. Get into more risky situations

For example, if you have a meeting to attend, but the route is new, don’t panic and face the probability of getting late. One-two risky decisions will make you avoid getting help because you will realize it is unnecessary. Urgent measures are what we are afraid of. But getting into cold water isn’t that horrible. Moreover, you will be proud of yourself to make that leap of faith.

Independence is about maturity. When two independent people come together, they create a beautiful alliance that can be an example for all the following generations. Independence brings relationships that are built on trust and respect. But most importantly, they will bring you higher self-esteem and the ultimate realization of your potency. 

Comments (2)



Nov 4,  2020,  8:51 PM

Because of stereotyped thinking, the fact is that very often people think in patterns, trying to paint some phenomenon in a good or bad color, and the choice of a side often occurs because of their own experience or the goal that a person or psychologist faces. If you depend on your partner, your life is entirely related to how well your relationship with your other half is. Personally, I believe that such dependence is not bad, it differs from attachment only by the strength of its expression, dependence is much stronger, and you can distinguish between addiction and attachment by one simple sign.



Nov 4,  2020,  8:54 PM

I think that a family is impossible without a certain degree of dependence, the main thing is that it does not interfere and does not infringe upon its participants, otherwise, of course, it would be reasonable to reconsider such relations. Very often people who are addicted live a full and happy life and it is not in our right to interfere with stories that their relationship is pathological. I really like the position of John Bowlby in his book Making and Breaking Emotional Ties. He says that for him the term attachment is more pleasant, which more reflects the essence of the ongoing processes. I advise you to read it!

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